Integrity

I'm usually thinking about free will, especially when it comes up at Men's Group or with my church friends. Just the other day the same person said, "Hey, if you're gay, you're gay. You can't help it," then later, "Well, you do choose what you do with your body." This guy's main point is, "There's a purpose for every person no matter what circumstance they're born into."

I used to think it doesn't matter at all whether you believe everything is already determined or whether you believe in free will.

Then, over a year ago another minister told me, "It doesn't matter what you believe on this subject . . . [etc.]"

I thought, "Wait a minute; it probably does matter," because I was born antagonistic. (I also was told, "Don't read the Old Testament," by someone I highly respect. So, I started reading the Old Testament more and eventually took 12 hours of graduate level Biblical Hebrew.)

Since last year when I was told it doesn't matter, the question has really interested me and I've discussed it with several other people online and in person who are interested in it as well, although it's almost always them who brings it up. Recently, the movie 21 Grams brought this question into focus. Interestingly, the movie was recommended by an atheist friend of mine.

I believe, though, that another question is much more significant than this complex one of What is determined in life and what is up for grabs?

How can I live in integrity?

I think that's THE question. You can use your answer to the question of whether you believe everything is determined or whether everything is open either to seek integrity or to avoid it.

Seek integrity . . . even if you think it doesn't matter.

Truth Ironically

We drove into Port Macquarie for the night on our way up to Brisbane and I experienced a three-pronged irony:

A tasteful sign listed the praiseworthy attributes of the city, namely, IDEAL CLIMATE.

Seconds later we passed huge sign on which was written in gigantic letters, SEVERE WATER RATIONS--HIGH ALERT!

A moment later I realized that it was RAINING RATHER STEADILY. I laughed out loud.

I realize that truth can be complex. In fact, it's impossible to know all the facts about anything and even the facts we know might seem at times in conflict with the others. How can an ideal climate have both severe water rations and what seems like plenty of rain?

I'm reminded of the mixed messages Christians often send non-Christians. We say, "Christianity is the best climate in the world." Other people think, Well, of course, you think that. It helps you cope with the hard things in life to think that you live in the best religion already and don't have to search. But there are varieties in any religion. There's not just the religion-makes-me-feel-good-in-the-face-of-death option. In the same way, I can't just dismiss religion or God just because hundreds of priests molested boys or because numerous church organizations oppressed the weak. I accept mango as a delicious food even though I discard the seed and skin. I also accept Christ and follow him even though many people associated with him inspire me to anger or apathy.

Some of us Christian types say God provides for our needs, but our lives are often like a giant billboard exclaiming, YOU GOTTA HORDE THINGS AND PUT YOUR ENEMIES DOWN TO STAY ON TOP!

Meanwhile, God's sun shines and his rain falls on both the just and the unjust.

God doesn't play favorites. I might make all kinds of claims about how good I am and how bad others are, but--and this applies to both Christians and non-Christians--my perception of Reality is often poor and yet I live in dependence upon other people whether friends or enemies and on God whether I believe God to be the Author of Reality or not. Some things are true despite my lack of comprehension. In fact, perhaps it's the irony that best bears witness to the truth.

Worthless Prayer

I heard Stafford North say one time, "Sometimes prayer is just meditating on a thought with God." Maybe that's what I was doing for a couple minutes tonight.

I haven't blogged much lately.

Exhausted.

I've always got blog posts buzzing around in my head. Things happen I think are worth sharing and I put the experience into words in my mind as I'm going about the day.

But every night our son, Noah, is crying. (Ironically, his name means settled.)It's hard to think straight and clear in an environment where someone is screaming their head off and our coping abilities are at their 24-hour low. Even if Nicole is the one holding Noah and trying to calm him, I seem to just check Facebook statuses or something aimlessly.

Tonight, Noah seemed inconsolable. I say, "Give him to me." I put him in the sling my Mom made. I head out the door a few minutes before 9 PM. He relaxes and goes to sleep, quiet the entire way to Woolworth's--where I buy eggs, milk, and yogurt--and back (except for his screaming at the checkout).

On the walk back I'm thinking about something I've observed in myself lately. The other day I'd caught my mind saying, "You're worthless!" to myself after dropping the butter dish lid on the counter. I thought, Something's wrong. I realize I've said similar messages to myself many times over my life.

What to do? I said, How can this false message be countered for the sake of redeeming my mind and my self?

Tonight, while I'm walking back up the hill in the peaceful night with Noah in the sling and a bag of basic groceries, I repeatedly say aloud and with conviction:

Lord, even though I sometimes call myself--"Worthless!"
I still love and accept myself
Because YOU do already.

It was a prayer that just really made sense tonight as I looked up at stars in the sky and heard distant pets and insects and carried my son and felt blessed. I don't know that I've ever really doubted God's love for me (even me), but it seems like I need some extra help to see us as we really are, lovable and acceptable. After all, Jesus said, "Love God and love your neighbor as you love yourself." I don't want to call anyone "Worthless!" even if it's just in my head and to me!

And by the time I got home, Noah was so relaxed and quiet that I had a chance to type this post in peace.

New Family Member

I wanted to introduce our new son, Noah Kai, so here are some meanings that might go with his name as well as some video footage of the beginning of his new life.

Psalm 96:11

Let the heavens rejoice and the earth be glad.
Let the sea and everything in it roar like thunder.

Matthew 5:9

Blessed are those who make peace.
They will be called God’s children.

Genesis 1:2

The Spirit of God was hovering over the water.

Genesis 5:29

He named him Noah [Relief], and said, "This child will bring us relief from the work and painful labor of our hands since the LORD has cursed the ground."

Genesis 6:9

Noah had God's approval and was a man of integrity among the people of his time.

Genesis 7:7

Noah, his sons, his wife, and his sons' wives went into the ship to escape the floodwaters.

Genesis 9:20

Noah, a gardener, was the first person to plant a vineyard.

Luke 17:26

"When the Son of Man comes again, the situation will be like the time of Noah.

Noah means peaceful and settled. I also think of the Noah whose family was saved by water. And I think of that Noah as being a gardener of sorts in a new creation. He previews Christ who is actually the preeminent gardener of the new creation, not only ultimately, but also now through people like, I hope, my own son. [Genesis 6:9, 9:20; John 20:15]

Kai means rejoice or ocean. We hope he will rejoice in the Lord. May God’s Spirit, which hovered over the waters also hover over our son. [Genesis 1:2; Psalm 96:11]

Words to Ella

Things I've given to Ella since she was born last year . . .

I haven't said it every day, but sometimes when I hold her and she's calmly laying on my shoulder I say,

Your Mama loves you,
Your Daddy loves you,
And God loves you,
No matter what.
And no matter what happens in your life,
We'll always love you
And we'll always tell you the truth
And you can always tell us the truth
No matter what.

Most days we sing to Ella. I'll share the words to my favorite, which is sung in a minor key:

Create in me
A clean heart, O God,
Let me be like you
In all my ways.
Give me your strength;
Teach me your song;
Shelter me in the shadow of your wing,
For we are your
Righteousness
If we die to ourselves
And live through your death
We shall be born--
Again to be blessed
In your love.

I'm not trying to show off how good we are to our daughter. I'm sure plenty of people love on their children in various ways and even sing to them.

I want to make a point, though. Someone once said, "Every parent sacrifices their children to their values." I believe it's true, which is why I'm not afraid to tell my daughter that I believe God, though I can't see him, and that God lives in her and loves her and loves the world.

Another reason I sing these songs and say these things while I hold her is for my own sake. I believe I desperately need God. He's given me life, but if I don't take the time to say thanks in a song once in a while I start acting like I think God and the whole world owe me something. I want to be accountable to God, too, concerning my care for Ella. I've known a few people who don't believe in God, yet live in integrity. I've also known Christians who simply used God to justify their unrighteous and unjust living. I believe my integrity is my responsibility, yet in need of reform that only God can handle.

The life, death, and resurrection of Jesus is compelling enough to me that I appreciate the Christian faith that flowed from his story. I not only want to share that story with my daughter whether she one day believes it or not, but I want to live in integrity with that story no matter what.

Free Stuff for the Garden

Lately, I've been collecting free things for our garden.

I picked up hessian bags behind the local fish'n'chips shop today. They go on top of compost heaps or worm farms to keep the soil moist and living
Also today at Greenhouse Park after volunteering I picked up three huge bags of really nice mulch
Yesterday I picked up free cardboard boxes (already flattened)
I've been collecting things to grow seedlings in, including egg cartons, toilet rolls, etc.
I collected seeds from a tomato and a pumpkin to dry and plant myself
I also use our green garden waste bin to collect rain water
I'm also making a homemade pesticide by recycling a dried pepper and a tablespoon of garlic.

Sometime I'll do a thing of how many things I've bought and estimate the cost.

My goal is to spend very little money to support a low-maintenance garden the produces food and provides habitat.

My Own Lemon Tree

I wrote this post back in August when I hacked up the lemon tree.

Tuesday before last, when I came home from volunteering at Greenhouse Park, I cut some diseased branches off the lemon tree in the backyard. Ants filled most of these dead branches and I guess they were harvesting some kind of food (aphids) in there (reminds me of the Matrix movie where the machines were harvesting humans like batteries).

Did you know why pruning a plant is good for it? When branches are cut from any plant, the plant will aggressively put down more roots and deeper. This helps the plant to flourish in health and beauty.

When some neighbor or power monger “cuts” me, I certainly feel pain by it. But I can then put down deeper roots to drink Living Water. I can remember to breathe and bask in the sunshine. New fruit grows better than before and any neighbors whether cutters or healers, may receive blessing from me.

Often times the life I experience and the religion I already practice is described best after reading Christian Scripture. When I wrote the above, I was recalling bits from 1 Thessalonians and James about suffering, the Gospel of John about living water, and Galatians 6 about the fruit of the Spirit. I’m pretty sure the Hebrew or Greek words for “spirit” are the same for “breath”.

By the way, it's not really my lemon tree, but as renters I think we're sort of in charge of it.